My New Job(!)

Is at a Wilderness Therapy Center for "at-risk" youth in the Uwharrie National Forest in North Carolina



Some pro's and con's that I see with this job... (most of these are copied and pasted from my initial application)

PROS:
1. Free room and board. Cause... hey! I'm sleeping outside in a tent. Initially, I wanted to stay at home and work in Dallas to save money, but I learned quickly that Dallas just isn't my kinda city. But this will be an excellent way to save money.

2. This job would allow my actions to fall in line with my beliefs, and to help me make a difference. I am passionate about reforming America's criminal justice system, and finding ways to transform rather than punish criminals. I certainly feel that one of the best ways to create change is to start with the transformation (not punishment) of at-risk youth.

3. It's perfect for my skill set/personality. I'm outdoorsy. I'm optimistic. I like dealing with mouthy kids.

4. It's outdoors! I think the best atmosphere for my own personal growth is in nature. It's hard to know what I'm capable of while dependent on superficial things (internet, air conditioning, etc).

5. The staff is really cool. You've gotta be cool to take on a job like this, right?


CONS:

1. Lack of personal space/time. I use "alone time" to re-charge my energy, and this is probably my biggest concern. As a former Head RA, I know what it's like to have a 24 hour job where emergencies can happen at any time. And I know what it's like to have what we call "clingers" (kids that don't ever want to leave your side). Especially having lived in Samoa, I know the feeling of having little-to-no privacy. It's because of these experiences that I know this will be my biggest challenge, but it is also because of these experiences that I know how to deal with this challenge.

Coping Strategy: Meditation, meditation, meditation. Each night I'll reflect on the day and the things I am grateful for (hoping that I'll have at least 15 minutes to myself before I fall asleep). This is really my coping strategy for almost any source of stress that comes my way. Also, asking for help from co-workers and being available for help is another big overarching stress-reliever.

2. I lived out of my comfort zone this last semester while in Samoa-- without electricity, television, telephone, flush-able toilets, or hot showers. But the hardest thing for me was being away from my friends and family.
Coping strategy: I think being able to contact them during my time off once a week will be more than enough. Also, I hope to make friends with the other staff members and use them for support. I imagine that anybody who would choose to take on a job of this nature would be somebody I'd get along with.

3. I worry that there may actually be kids that don't want to be there, or kids that just have negative attitudes altogether.
Coping strategy: I will do my best to stay positive with them and to try to highlight some of their best attributes (complimenting when they do things well). I also think my sense of humor is one of my best attributes when it comes to dealing with youth.

4. Cold weather. I've never lived that far north before (even though it's not that far).
Coping strategy: pack warm?

5. Huddle Ups. These are group discussions that are used to confront all sorts of problems and can be called by anyone. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for personal reflections, group conversations, and all those things... but I'm also a "less talk, more do" kind of person. I imagine that frequent "huddle-ups" would probably annoy me.
Coping strategy: I will be patient, but make sure that each huddle-up stays focused and on-task. I will also remind everybody of our options (we can stay out and talk until it gets dark and we don't have camp set up, or we can go set up camp now and talk later)
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Most of these are things I had written before I visited. Here's an email I wrote to my brother after visiting :

"Before I left I told myself that no matter how bad it was, I'd take the job anyway if they offered it to me. But then there were a couple times while I was there that I just thought "there is no way I could handle doing this for a year". I came home thursday night and just broke down (no, really. I got locked out of the house and sat outside bawling for an hour before I could gather my thoughts enough to break in) As a whole the camp definitely had a very gloomy and negative energy to it-- like a vacuum. It pulled a lot of deep philosophical questions-- what is the purpose of putting "hazards to society" in institutions? What happens when several people with negative energy are concentrated in one place? Can any good ever come out of this kind of setting?

I could tell all the other counselors were really drained-- almost (if not all of them) had some sort of illness/injury related to the job. That's a fear of mine, in that it's not a very forgiving job if I were to get sick (there's so few counselors that I won't be able to just call in sick, and once you're sick you still have to sleep outside every night). But the camp itself is in a transitional period and they're trying to hire more people so I think things will get better.

As drained as I felt, there were several redeeming moments. There was one girl that just found out she hadn't passed the 8th grade, and she was in hysterics all day. I tried to help her find some source of optimism, but after talking to her (/her screaming at me and the other "chief") for a while, I learned that she really doesn't have a whole lot to work towards while she's at camp-- she's got a really shitty family and the only person who cares about her is her "grandmother"(her mom's boyfriend's step-mom), so even though she hates camp, she's not in any hurry to get home. Anyway, she had been screaming at me all day saying "you don't know me! how can you tell me my life isn't going to shit" etc... and just as we put a halt to the matter I began to believe her. But then as we were tucking them in at night, in between broken sobs she says "chief mandy... can you come here? i'm really sorry for being so mean to you today". Right up until that point, I was so looking for excuses to never come back. But something as small as that made all the difference for me.

To me, taking on this job can be likened to joining the army. Most people don't do it because that's what they like doing ... but because they see a job that needs to be done and are tired of waiting around for somebody else to take care of it. As much bitching as I do about the country... it's about time I start taking action into my own hands. Okay... and I don't know where this soap box came from or how I got on it... but I'm stepping down now....

Sorry this email turned into a novel. I get it from Dad."
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That was written immediately after I got home and was truly drained, but in all fairness I was probably sleep deprived and just cranky. Anyway, right now I am very excited to start, and I will be driving out there towards the end of this month to start the next chapter !

Year of the Rat

Just as a heads-up, at 1 am on a Friday night I might not be in the best state to write. But here it is, nonetheless.

I don't consider myself to be a superstitious person... BUT... okay, yes I am and I secretly believe in a lot of silly unfounded things. Secret's out. In my previous post, I referenced that this is the " year of the Rat". In the Chinese Zodiac, the story goes that the emperor at the time held a race among 12 animals, and the order of the race determines which year that animal is associated with. My animal, the water buffalo let the rat and the cat hitch a ride on its back across a river. The rat knocks the cat into the water, and just as the buffalo is about to cross the finish line, the rat leaps off its nose and finishes first. So in short, the year of the rat is associated with schemers and "rat races" while all "water buffaloes" will come far and then fall short in the end.

Anyway, things just haven't been going my way lately. First, after getting strung along by Survivor and signing contracts that essentially sold my soul to CBS, I got cut. And this has been really hard-- just because in a job/school search if you get rejected it's usually because of a lack in qualifications or something like that... but being rejected from something like this is more like getting dumped from a romantic relationship-- they didn't want me because there's something inherent in my personality that they didn't like. The whole audition process forced me to think SO much about who I am and how I could be "type-cast", and just be very conscious of who I am. Now I'm just feeling really insecure.

So then I start to move on and I get more serious about my job hunt (Disc Jockeying on the weekends just hasn't been bringing home enough bacon for me to move out of my Mom's house). I find a job opening at an outdoor wilderness program for troubled teens as a Wilderness Field Instructor. I started getting really excited about this and was even talking about going out to train for the entirety of the following week... that is until I received an email saying I hadn't graduated yet (this was about 3 days ago). I've been in hysterics... especially since I sent several emails to the registrar while I was in Samoa to make sure that I was on track to graduate on time, and they told me I was. Apparently, I just lack 2 hours of upper-level electives, and my Samoan language course counted as a lower-level elective so it didn't transfer in (but they had my course list when they told me I was good to graduate! they should have known! GRR).

Okay... so to bring things to a full circle... I started to realize how negative my thoughts have been lately. I'm just depressed. In my head, I've said "just when I think things can't get much worse, they do". The funny thing is, the last time I literally said this was in 1996. I don't know why I'll always remember that year... but any time I hear one of Fiona Apple's song from the album "Tidal" (which came out that year) all these bad memories re-emerge. I was looking back at an old journal, and I had written I feel like I'm living the life of Job*... like just when I think things are as bad as they could possibly be, they get worse. And just tonight it occurred to me that 1996 was a rat year, just like this year is.

This is the year where the water buffaloes (my animal) will come SO close to the finish line -- and then fall short (almost being cast for survivor and getting cut/ being 2 hours of upper-level electives away from graduating). The funny thing is, the things that happened in 1996 were probably more sob-worthy than the petty things I'm worried about this year, and I made it out ok. 1997 was much better. And so 2009 will be.

At least, according to Badly Drawn Boy, it will be...


*Point of clarification... I was a religious kid growing up. Job was my favorite book. Depressing?

Can I graduate?

Last weekend if I were in school at Southwestern, I would have been walking the stage at graduation.

But I'm here, instead. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I came here at this time (if the other alternative was not studying abroad at all). But don't think I'm not suffering the consequences.

Being abroad has disoriented (but sometimes reoriented) my views and goals in so many ways. It really is "soooo life changing". But for most of my friends who have done this, they have at least gone back to something familiar-- the routine of going to college classes, living in a college town-- some sort of forced re-assimilation. As for me, I really have no idea what I'm getting myself into when I come back. The opportunities are frighteningly endless. I could go through with my tentative plan before I came here:

1) get a temporary job (not picky... just get some source of income... but preferably one with health benefits!)
2) find a place to live
a. stay at home and save money
b. Move to California and go broke, but establish residency in case I decide to do grad
school there (depending on the kind of job I can land/amount of income)
3) do a little more research on grad schools/potential advisors/ decide between doing Asia Pacific relations or Political Theory
a. UCSD?
b. UT?
c. UC Davis?
d. some awesome school I hadn't even heard of before?

Sure, these are things that most Seniors have figured out. But I'm not in any rush. Anyway, that was just a little tidbit for those who want to know where my life might be headed when I get back. But don't be surprised if I...
a) throw in the towel and get a job working for The Man.
b) audition for Survivor... or try to get some program to make me the next "Survivorgirl" or "Woman versus Wild" I mean, I've gotta make use of these skills, right?

An actual letter written to a good friend

"You're studying in Samoa!? wtf x 120"

Back when I thought I'd be studying abroad in China, I never encountered such confusion from my family and friends about my decision to do so. I don't think I would have needed to say a reason for studying in China. It would probably be obvious that it's a pertinent country to most focuses in the academia, and above all, it would probably lead to financial stability through multiple opportunities in the business world.

But now, I'm not going to China. My forms were late and I didn't get into the program (SIT has rolling admissions and they filled up too fast). I'm pretty sure I received my letter of rejection during some capstone crisis, so I just signed on the website to look at what else was open... and without even thoroughly looking through any of them I just told the lady to switch my application to the Pacific Islands program. BUT my curiosity led me to the pacific islands program before other countries for these reasons-

1. My high school/hometown has a huge Tongan/Samoan population (they're actually probably the nicest people I've ever met! just don't piss em off... they're big mofos) and it's been getting a lot of coverage for some of the traditions they've brought with immigration.


2. At the time I still thought I wanted to apply to a pacific relations graduate program (UCSD). But since then, I've kind of been leaning more towards graduate programs for political theory... we will see if this trip pushes me one way or another.

3. While this may not obviously be useful in political science, I'm interested in the gender dynamics in Samoa specifically. In some families, if there are not enough girls, a boy will dress and live with a feminine identity to help out with domestic duties. I stumbled across this article (after I signed up for the program) and it kind of sparked some questions in my mind. Specifically, if you just read the section called "The Ocean", I think it's interesting how she plays around with associating the idea of land to the masculine-- as a solid form worth exploring and discovering.... while linking water (deep and fluid) to the feminine and to Samoa-- remote and unexplored. The fact that the Pacific Islands are seen as irrelevant to international politics intrigues me. Why aren't the Pacific Islands studied more in the academia?

In short, I'm very curious about the places I'm going to go. But at the moment, I really have no objective for what I want to find. Which is a good place to be in, I guess.